nearing stage 5: the EVERYBODY PANIC stage

Because I don't want to lose you as a reader, I won't go into all the maddening (and mindnumbingly repetitive instances of) problems I have had in renewing my passport this spring, in preparation for my departure to Peru on 23 June. For the sake of brevity, I will simply give you some highlights:

STAGE ONE: Naive Hope
- In which I submit a renewal app back in the beginning of March, having read that due to the new requirements of the Western Hemisphere Travel Initiative, it takes up to 10-12 weeks now to get this process done. The helpful web site provided, where you can check the status of your app, tells me that my app is still not in the system. (They are sorry though!) My check to the Dept. of State was indeed cashed, about six weeks ago.

STAGE TWO: Wonder
- In which I learn that the passport renewal folks won't even talk to you in person until you are 14 days or less from your departure. (If more, "Do not worry, please.") This makes it tough for people like me who are leaving tomorrow from home and not actually leaving the country until 23 June. Fortunately one does not need a passport (yet) for traveling to Bermuda by sea... or I'd be screwed.

STAGE THREE: Alienation, Paranoia
- In which I go into my local friendly post office to talk to a person, and I am given the phone number for the SF regional office, where apparently it used to be that one could make an appointment to expedite one's passport renewal/application. I try to call and reach a voicemail recording which instructs me to leave a message. At the tone, though, I hear: "This voice mailbox is full." So I call again and sneakily enter a different extension number to see if I can reach a human. This is the nutty part: I hear a recording that tells me I can call two numbers (877 and 900) that charge by the minute where I can get help. I am that desperate; I call the numbers. One is out of service, and the other gives me a recording that I should call a different number to meet people nationwide.

STAGE FOUR: Dismay, Resignation (?)
- In which I try again to call the main toll-free number and describe my situation, and I am not exaggerating when I say that it takes me a dozen or more calls to get past the recorded phone message that begins by asking me to stay on the line and ends by saying "Due to high call volume, your call cannot be answered at this time. Please call later." Finally I wake up at 6am to call and get through to some person who tells me that my passport is in stage 4 of 7 stages, the adjudication stage, which takes about a week. (I wipe the sweat off my brow to know that Joe Blow hasn't stolen my check in the mail and cashed it for his own purposes, and sold my passport to someone else.) The rep says I should call back after 8 June to see if I can get an "urgent expedite." I ask him if I can have the passport mailed someplace other than Sac, since I don't plan to be here, and he replies: "Well, I can put in a note." I respond that that would be nice... and give him a mailing address... and then he doesn't say anything that would lead me to think he got any kind of training whatsoever (I was expecting something like: "Is there anything else I can help you with" or even "that's all I can tell you" -- not that I was expecting anything like "sorry for the delay") -- he simply says "Bye!" Now, that's spooky and makes me think that the whole thing is a Big Joke On Me.

Except that (der) apparently I'm not the only one with problems, due to the recent changes:

From Seattle Times: Want a Passport? Be Prepared to Wait

From NYT: A Heightened Summer Rush for Passports

From NPR: Passport Backlog Blamed on New Requirements

I should have started this back in January, when FARK provided the heads-up:

[Interesting] New passport rules go into effect Tuesday. Terrorist threat level to be lowered. Just kidding, you aren't any safer

Farewell, Spanky

Brett sent me this Denver Post article yesterday about the medieval business that's going down at the Denver Zoo (poor Spanky!). And then I saw a link on Fark this morning about schools cancelling visits to the zoo because of the incident.

I think, truly, the best thing about Fark is the one-line teasers Drew provides for each item. I clicked on the link because my iGoogle Fark feed read:

[Dumbass]: Elementary school cancels zoo trip over fear that children will eat plague-infected squirrels

i'm not tired of the lolcats yet.

Fark might be, but Michael Agger of Slate gives us a slide show essay that explores the charm, complexity, and (dare I say it!) brilliance of this MEEM.

And just for yallz info, my favorite of the day is:
IM ON UR LAPTOP BLOIN UR MYND

Very! Important! Update!
(For those of you who don't read the comments)
Anne-Marie posted a link to the best lolcats I have ever seen:
BABUSHKA CATS ARE IN UR BOX, BEIN OLD WIMMENS